Perserverance...that's what God's preparing me for.
It's amazing that when He speaks to us, he does so in such personal, creative, and obvious ways. A few weeks ago, my time with God was spent praying for complete healing from the cancer and protection for our baby while going through the treatments. Those prayers were answered by his still, small voice that reminded me that "Lo, I am the Lord that heals thee."
But as I stand at the threshold of entering a new phase of cancer treatment, I'm seeing more clearly that God does not want me to sit on the sidelines just waiting till I'm cured until I get back in the game. He's telling me to stay in the game and continue to serve him, relying on His strength in times of weakness.
A few weeks ago during church communion, as I'm praying over the elements, I felt His nudging, "Stay outward focused." Not an easy thing to do when you've just announced to the world that you're pregnant with cancer - it seems as if every conversation comes back around to the topic of my health. However, I was reminded that even Jesus, up until He took His last breath, was concerned about the lives of others, "Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" Luke 23:34.
God's word was confirmed yesterday by a friend of a friend who 26 years ago fought against breast cancer. Her message to me was to not set all my sights on healing, but to focus on where God has me in the process. And then today this verse leaped off the pages of my bible "Let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us". Hebrews 12:1.
Never in a million years would I have marked out this race for myself, but God in His sovereignty has marked it for me. I think back to my brief but memorable stint in Jr. High Track when the practice coach would lay out a running course for us complete with hurdles, cones and lane changes. The team would watch expectantly as he took great care in strategically placing each cone and hurdle precisely where he thought it would challenge us the most. He marked out our race. In the same way, God himself has laid out this course before me, strategically placing each marker - each hurdle, challenging me to push forward, and coaching me along the way. And I know that at the end of the race I will be rewarded with a prize that surpasses all earthly rewards.
James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
I am now in the position of choosing my response; will I run the race that God has lovingly marked before me or sit it out on the sidelines, standing idly-by while God's team marches down the field without me.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I received the pathology results from the surgeon, but it has filled me with more questions than answers. I'm discovering that identifying cancer is like peeling away the tough layers of an onion, each one revealing more questions than answers. No two cancers are identical which requires the doctors to insert a lot of speculation in their prognosis, and requires me to trust God more and more with my future treatment.
The surgery was easy compared to the recovery, but I suspect that that's the case with most surgeries. The lymph node dissection left my arm aching, sore and with shooting pains up and down the back of it where the nerves were cut - pleasant, right? I'm 37 years old and yet I can't brush or wash my hair, can't make my own meals, and must ask my 10 year old to write down my shopping list. That's humbling. But at least I can prop my arms up on my desk and type on Facebook - God is good.
The tumor itself was close to the surface which only means that the doctor didn't have to take as much of the surrounding tissue as she normally does. That's good for me, cosmetically. Four out of 7 lymph nodes tested positive for carcinoma, which really doesn't affect my subsequent treatment.
So, I have about 4 to 6 weeks to recover and then chemo treatments will start. I'm dreading this more than anything, mostly because I love, I mean I love my hair. I've never found myself to be exceptionally striking by any means, but I have always found my hair to be fun to style and healthy-looking (except for those 6 years in the mid-80's when it was scorched with spiral perms). So I will be mentally preparing myself over the next month for the loss of my hair and the loss of a part of me...feeling a bit like Samson.
I'm also learning to accept the help of others. I feel hugely blessed to be remembered by so many people, especially the friends from our church who are more like family than friends to us. They have provided meals, cleaning, laundry services, gifts, and most importantly prayers. They have helped Tim and I carry a burden that we could never carry alone.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. Ephesians 3:20
The surgery was easy compared to the recovery, but I suspect that that's the case with most surgeries. The lymph node dissection left my arm aching, sore and with shooting pains up and down the back of it where the nerves were cut - pleasant, right? I'm 37 years old and yet I can't brush or wash my hair, can't make my own meals, and must ask my 10 year old to write down my shopping list. That's humbling. But at least I can prop my arms up on my desk and type on Facebook - God is good.
The tumor itself was close to the surface which only means that the doctor didn't have to take as much of the surrounding tissue as she normally does. That's good for me, cosmetically. Four out of 7 lymph nodes tested positive for carcinoma, which really doesn't affect my subsequent treatment.
So, I have about 4 to 6 weeks to recover and then chemo treatments will start. I'm dreading this more than anything, mostly because I love, I mean I love my hair. I've never found myself to be exceptionally striking by any means, but I have always found my hair to be fun to style and healthy-looking (except for those 6 years in the mid-80's when it was scorched with spiral perms). So I will be mentally preparing myself over the next month for the loss of my hair and the loss of a part of me...feeling a bit like Samson.
I'm also learning to accept the help of others. I feel hugely blessed to be remembered by so many people, especially the friends from our church who are more like family than friends to us. They have provided meals, cleaning, laundry services, gifts, and most importantly prayers. They have helped Tim and I carry a burden that we could never carry alone.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. Ephesians 3:20
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Prayer Cover
So then, make a statement of your sins to one another, and say prayers for one another so that you may be made well. The prayer of a good man is full of power in its working James 5:16
I am relying on your prayers more than you can imagine. I know that God hears each one of them, as I sense His presence and feel His peace in ways that are new and exciting. Thank you.
As an update, I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy and ancillary lymphnode dissection on Wednesday (I don't know the time yet) at Magee Hospital. Since many of you asked specifically how you can pray for me this week, I've come up with a list to help guide you.
1) Pray for my husband. He has shouldered so much of my burden, and he continues to do it with such courage and wisdom.
2) Pray for my kids, especially on Wednesday when I'm in surgery. Ask God to calm their anxious hearts. Cast out all fears. Give them the confidence in their Mighty God to pray big and expectantly.
3) Pray for the 14 week old baby inside me. Keep him safe from the effects of anasthesia and keep him safe from harm before, during, and after the surgery.
4) Pray for the surgeons and technicians during the surgery. Guide their hands, and provide wisdom to their decision making.
5) Ultimately, I pray for complete physical healing, resting on His promises, "Lo I am the Lord who heals you". Pray that the tumor will be removed easily and the lymphnodes will reveal little, if any cancer.
6) Pray that I'll withstand the anasthesia well and not become too nauseaus. And that the lymphnode port will not become infected in the weeks ahead.
My prayer for Wednesday and the subsequent weeks is from Psalm 40:
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
May it be so.
I am relying on your prayers more than you can imagine. I know that God hears each one of them, as I sense His presence and feel His peace in ways that are new and exciting. Thank you.
As an update, I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy and ancillary lymphnode dissection on Wednesday (I don't know the time yet) at Magee Hospital. Since many of you asked specifically how you can pray for me this week, I've come up with a list to help guide you.
1) Pray for my husband. He has shouldered so much of my burden, and he continues to do it with such courage and wisdom.
2) Pray for my kids, especially on Wednesday when I'm in surgery. Ask God to calm their anxious hearts. Cast out all fears. Give them the confidence in their Mighty God to pray big and expectantly.
3) Pray for the 14 week old baby inside me. Keep him safe from the effects of anasthesia and keep him safe from harm before, during, and after the surgery.
4) Pray for the surgeons and technicians during the surgery. Guide their hands, and provide wisdom to their decision making.
5) Ultimately, I pray for complete physical healing, resting on His promises, "Lo I am the Lord who heals you". Pray that the tumor will be removed easily and the lymphnodes will reveal little, if any cancer.
6) Pray that I'll withstand the anasthesia well and not become too nauseaus. And that the lymphnode port will not become infected in the weeks ahead.
My prayer for Wednesday and the subsequent weeks is from Psalm 40:
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
May it be so.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
"The Lord is my Strength, My Personal Warrior, My Invincible Army" (Hab. 3:17)
A friend recently shared this verse from the Amplified Bible with me. Yesterday, while sitting in the biopsy lab, I repeated it over and over in my mind.
The verse continues: "He makes my feet to be like Hinds' feet to walk, not to stand in terror, but to walk with spiritual progress upon the heights of my troubles, sufferings and responsibilities".
Isn't that beautiful? It's wonderful to think that if I trust in God I will not be paralyzed by the "unknowns" or the "what ifs" but He will give me the ability to keep moving forward to greater and greater heights, in spite of my weaknesses.
Yesterday I received a full medical physical to prepare for my upcoming surgery. After bloodwork, Ekg's, x-rays, etc my doctor asserted, "Except for cancer, you're the picture of perfect health". I had to laugh at the irony of that statement. But then I considered how much that applies to my spiritual walk with Jesus Christ. How often I think, "Except for lashing out at my children and losing patience with my husband, I'm the picture of perfect spiritual health", or "Except for coveting my neighbor's situation or resenting mine, I'm the picture of perfect spiritual health."
I'm praying that as the medical professionals cut away and treat the deadly disease inside of me, that God's Spirit will also be at work cutting away the deadly sins inside of me making more and more like His perfect, sinless Son.
Yesterday's procedure was not pleasant. The biopsy was even more painful than the previous ones, and might I add, much less dignified, if that's possible. But through it all, I felt covered in the prayers of thousands of people (yes, that's right, thousands!) that are praying for me and I was blessed to know that my children were being well-cared for by loving friends.
Friday is a big day for us as we learn both the results of the biopsy and we get to meet Baby Gerwing #7 - hopefully we'll learn if it's a Leah Hope or an Aaden Troy.
We continue to covet all your prayers.
A friend recently shared this verse from the Amplified Bible with me. Yesterday, while sitting in the biopsy lab, I repeated it over and over in my mind.
The verse continues: "He makes my feet to be like Hinds' feet to walk, not to stand in terror, but to walk with spiritual progress upon the heights of my troubles, sufferings and responsibilities".
Isn't that beautiful? It's wonderful to think that if I trust in God I will not be paralyzed by the "unknowns" or the "what ifs" but He will give me the ability to keep moving forward to greater and greater heights, in spite of my weaknesses.
Yesterday I received a full medical physical to prepare for my upcoming surgery. After bloodwork, Ekg's, x-rays, etc my doctor asserted, "Except for cancer, you're the picture of perfect health". I had to laugh at the irony of that statement. But then I considered how much that applies to my spiritual walk with Jesus Christ. How often I think, "Except for lashing out at my children and losing patience with my husband, I'm the picture of perfect spiritual health", or "Except for coveting my neighbor's situation or resenting mine, I'm the picture of perfect spiritual health."
I'm praying that as the medical professionals cut away and treat the deadly disease inside of me, that God's Spirit will also be at work cutting away the deadly sins inside of me making more and more like His perfect, sinless Son.
Yesterday's procedure was not pleasant. The biopsy was even more painful than the previous ones, and might I add, much less dignified, if that's possible. But through it all, I felt covered in the prayers of thousands of people (yes, that's right, thousands!) that are praying for me and I was blessed to know that my children were being well-cared for by loving friends.
Friday is a big day for us as we learn both the results of the biopsy and we get to meet Baby Gerwing #7 - hopefully we'll learn if it's a Leah Hope or an Aaden Troy.
We continue to covet all your prayers.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Some Housekeeping
I'm humbled by the outpouring of love that I've received since making my pregnancy/diagnosis public a few days ago. I've had friends stop by just to hug me, bring me meals, pray for me - it's just overwhelming. And I can really see Christ's hands and feet reaching out to me through each of you.
Since many of you have had the same questions about the pregnancy and the cancer, I decided to blog the answers. From now on when anyone asks me the details of my treatment, I can just send them here - how efficient!
TOP TEN MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
1) Yes, I discovered the lump on my own, but only by the grace of God. The story goes: Tim and I were done having children - Done with a capital "D". However, I suspected that I might be pregnant and in the process of checking out all the typical physical symptoms that accompany early pregnancy, I found a lump in my right breast. So this unplanned little life inside me has possibly saved mine! God is so good.
2) The cancer is suspected to be at stage 2 because it's moved to my lymph nodes. How many will be determined in surgery. I also go for yet another biopsy next Tuesday to make sure it's not anywhere else in my breast, which would then change the staging (God is bigger than stages, however). Just for the record, needle biopsies make natural childbirth seem like a walk in the park. Please pray for me on Tuesday.
3) My surgery is scheduled for March 4th at Magee Hospital.
4) My oldest sister will be staying with me for about a week while I recover from surgery.
5)I can receive chemo therapy while pregnant. Psalm 139 tells us he "knit you together in your mother's womb". God has provided a protective shield around the baby to prevent any side-effects from the chemo. In fact, he's so well protected, that I'll lose my hair, but he won't. Just precious.
6) We told our kids the other night. Their biggest concern is the hair loss. My oldest daughter begged me to get a wig and my youngest son said "Mom, promise me you'll never walk into my room at night with your bald head, that would be too creepy." Gotta love 6 year old boys.
7)God has revealed himself to me powerfully over the past 2 weeks. I hope to share many of them, so please come visit here again.
8)I'm on a special diet - no meat, no dairy, mostly raw foods. I'm taking lots of supplements for both me and baby. This was not prescribed by the doctor (in fact they'd probably dissuade me from it), but God lead me to this diet. First week was tough, but now I'm used to it. It's amazing what you can be driven to do when you feel your life is on the line.
9) My husband is just an amazing rock for me. He makes my hot water every morning, counts out all my supplements, buys me carrots for my juicer (lots of carrots) and has sat with me for hours on end at the doctors' appointments. More than anything, he has encouraged me in my faith and has carried the torch of Christ for our family.
10) Finally, I have complete confidence that God will heal me. In fact, I believe he already has, it's just a matter of when I'll see it. I'm prepared to walk through the shadows of surgery, chemo and radiation, if on the other side I'll be more like Him. He never wastes our time. And as much as I want 2009 to go by quickly, I will try to savor each lesson taught, each divine word spoken, and each time God shows up.
Since many of you have had the same questions about the pregnancy and the cancer, I decided to blog the answers. From now on when anyone asks me the details of my treatment, I can just send them here - how efficient!
TOP TEN MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
1) Yes, I discovered the lump on my own, but only by the grace of God. The story goes: Tim and I were done having children - Done with a capital "D". However, I suspected that I might be pregnant and in the process of checking out all the typical physical symptoms that accompany early pregnancy, I found a lump in my right breast. So this unplanned little life inside me has possibly saved mine! God is so good.
2) The cancer is suspected to be at stage 2 because it's moved to my lymph nodes. How many will be determined in surgery. I also go for yet another biopsy next Tuesday to make sure it's not anywhere else in my breast, which would then change the staging (God is bigger than stages, however). Just for the record, needle biopsies make natural childbirth seem like a walk in the park. Please pray for me on Tuesday.
3) My surgery is scheduled for March 4th at Magee Hospital.
4) My oldest sister will be staying with me for about a week while I recover from surgery.
5)I can receive chemo therapy while pregnant. Psalm 139 tells us he "knit you together in your mother's womb". God has provided a protective shield around the baby to prevent any side-effects from the chemo. In fact, he's so well protected, that I'll lose my hair, but he won't. Just precious.
6) We told our kids the other night. Their biggest concern is the hair loss. My oldest daughter begged me to get a wig and my youngest son said "Mom, promise me you'll never walk into my room at night with your bald head, that would be too creepy." Gotta love 6 year old boys.
7)God has revealed himself to me powerfully over the past 2 weeks. I hope to share many of them, so please come visit here again.
8)I'm on a special diet - no meat, no dairy, mostly raw foods. I'm taking lots of supplements for both me and baby. This was not prescribed by the doctor (in fact they'd probably dissuade me from it), but God lead me to this diet. First week was tough, but now I'm used to it. It's amazing what you can be driven to do when you feel your life is on the line.
9) My husband is just an amazing rock for me. He makes my hot water every morning, counts out all my supplements, buys me carrots for my juicer (lots of carrots) and has sat with me for hours on end at the doctors' appointments. More than anything, he has encouraged me in my faith and has carried the torch of Christ for our family.
10) Finally, I have complete confidence that God will heal me. In fact, I believe he already has, it's just a matter of when I'll see it. I'm prepared to walk through the shadows of surgery, chemo and radiation, if on the other side I'll be more like Him. He never wastes our time. And as much as I want 2009 to go by quickly, I will try to savor each lesson taught, each divine word spoken, and each time God shows up.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Congress's Favorite Things
Polar exhibits at Rhode Island's Zoo
Water slides, museums and jet hangers too
Money to hault prostitution rings
These are a few of our favorite things
Refunds to those who don’t pay any taxes
We know it makes no sense, oh but the fact is
Obama has won and we know that it stings
But now congress gets all our favorite things
CHORUS: Mass inflation 'cross the nation
Makes our voters sad
But then we think of all our pork-barrel projects
And then we don’t feel so bad
Millions will go to support contraception
Billions to fund roads, and oh did we mention?
They’re certain conditions this stimulus brings
White males won’t share in our favorite things
We want to “stimulate” our re-election
But we pretend it’s for your own protection
That it will be 2 more years 'til we bring
All our constituents’ favorite things
CHORUS: Men like Limbaugh make O’s skin crawl
Gets him very mad
If the voters get thinkin’, they’ll find he’s no “Lincoln”
And then things will go so bad.
Polar exhibits at Rhode Island's Zoo
Water slides, museums and jet hangers too
Money to hault prostitution rings
These are a few of our favorite things
Refunds to those who don’t pay any taxes
We know it makes no sense, oh but the fact is
Obama has won and we know that it stings
But now congress gets all our favorite things
CHORUS: Mass inflation 'cross the nation
Makes our voters sad
But then we think of all our pork-barrel projects
And then we don’t feel so bad
Millions will go to support contraception
Billions to fund roads, and oh did we mention?
They’re certain conditions this stimulus brings
White males won’t share in our favorite things
We want to “stimulate” our re-election
But we pretend it’s for your own protection
That it will be 2 more years 'til we bring
All our constituents’ favorite things
CHORUS: Men like Limbaugh make O’s skin crawl
Gets him very mad
If the voters get thinkin’, they’ll find he’s no “Lincoln”
And then things will go so bad.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I'm trying my best not to be cynical in my estimation of the coronation..I mean, the inauguration that took place yesterday. Afterall, it is historically significant that the son of an African immigrant was sworn in as 44th President of the United States. (although not the 44th man to be sworn in as Obama stated in his speech). However, I chose to listen to the ceremony uniterrupted on the radio because I could not stomach the ridiculous girlish fawning of the media over this man whose sole accomplishment thus far is that he managed to beat out a dozen other contenders for the prize.
Obama has never written any significant piece of legislation, executed any business or office, or even held a job outside of a Uniiversity or government setting. And yet we're being sold the mantra by the "unbiased" media that he's a great man. Really? What's he done? Men aren't made great, they become great.
I hope with all my heart that Obama will live up to the profile of Lincoln that he has audaciously set before himself.. But please Mr. President, let the people and historians decide if you deserve that comparison. Nothing is so un-inspiring as a leader who bestows upon himself greatness...it's very Napoleonic, and we know how things worked out for him.
I actually heard a commentator suggest that Obama was "beautifully dressed". Well, I would hope so, considering he's being sworn in as the leader of the free world. But may I ask in deference to Sarah Palin, who bought his clothes, how much did they cost and will he be returning them?
I have nothing personal against the President. In fact I pray that he will lead this country with the utmost integrity, honesty and uprightness. I expect him to make a few stumbles along the way as he takes on the burden of these trying times and I promise to not act out in the mean-spirited fashion that we saw from the left for the past 8 years toward a man who without waiver kept us safe from those who want to destroy us. (Thankyou Mr. Bush).
However, based on what I know about Mr. Obama from his 2 year campaign, I am fairly certain that there is very little about his ideas and intentions that I will agree with. I will never support government take-over of our free market enterprises, afterall even our founding fathers acknowledged that it's our free market system that sets us apart from the rest of the democratic world. If Obama really wants to emulate Lincoln then he should embrace his free market principles. A few months after his inauguration, Lincoln described his understanding of the founding fathers’ approach to government in his July 4, 1861 message to congress: “the leading object of government is … to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life. Yielding to partial and temporary departures, from necessity, this is the leading object of the government for whose existence we contend.”
I will not support an $800 billion dollar stimulus program and the further incurrence of debt to the tune of $17,000 per household. My children are already on the path to inheriting an unstable and dangerous world, they don't need the further burden of a collapsed economic market because their parents could not stop the gratuitous printing and spending of money.
Furthmore, I will fervently fight against his efforts to make the killing of innocent life more accessible as Obama attempts to pass the Freedom of Choice Act, about which he stated in 2007, "Well, the first thing I'd do as president is, is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. That's the first thing that I'd do."
But with my torches lit and pitchforks ready, I will watch closely, very closely as I peer through the misty, bated breath of the fawning mainstream media, as President Obama steps into the Oval office as leader of the free world. This is no time for on-the-job training and the American peoples' patience is short. We expect results, no excuses, and no learning curve. And even though I hear the drumbeat of the mainstream media admonishing me to "get on board with the program", I will stand side by side with the 47% of those of us who did not vote for Mr. Obama, and without abandoning my conservative principles and my faith in the founding documents of our land, I will be quick to praise the President when I can, but I will oppose him when I must.
Obama has never written any significant piece of legislation, executed any business or office, or even held a job outside of a Uniiversity or government setting. And yet we're being sold the mantra by the "unbiased" media that he's a great man. Really? What's he done? Men aren't made great, they become great.
I hope with all my heart that Obama will live up to the profile of Lincoln that he has audaciously set before himself.. But please Mr. President, let the people and historians decide if you deserve that comparison. Nothing is so un-inspiring as a leader who bestows upon himself greatness...it's very Napoleonic, and we know how things worked out for him.
I actually heard a commentator suggest that Obama was "beautifully dressed". Well, I would hope so, considering he's being sworn in as the leader of the free world. But may I ask in deference to Sarah Palin, who bought his clothes, how much did they cost and will he be returning them?
I have nothing personal against the President. In fact I pray that he will lead this country with the utmost integrity, honesty and uprightness. I expect him to make a few stumbles along the way as he takes on the burden of these trying times and I promise to not act out in the mean-spirited fashion that we saw from the left for the past 8 years toward a man who without waiver kept us safe from those who want to destroy us. (Thankyou Mr. Bush).
However, based on what I know about Mr. Obama from his 2 year campaign, I am fairly certain that there is very little about his ideas and intentions that I will agree with. I will never support government take-over of our free market enterprises, afterall even our founding fathers acknowledged that it's our free market system that sets us apart from the rest of the democratic world. If Obama really wants to emulate Lincoln then he should embrace his free market principles. A few months after his inauguration, Lincoln described his understanding of the founding fathers’ approach to government in his July 4, 1861 message to congress: “the leading object of government is … to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life. Yielding to partial and temporary departures, from necessity, this is the leading object of the government for whose existence we contend.”
I will not support an $800 billion dollar stimulus program and the further incurrence of debt to the tune of $17,000 per household. My children are already on the path to inheriting an unstable and dangerous world, they don't need the further burden of a collapsed economic market because their parents could not stop the gratuitous printing and spending of money.
Furthmore, I will fervently fight against his efforts to make the killing of innocent life more accessible as Obama attempts to pass the Freedom of Choice Act, about which he stated in 2007, "Well, the first thing I'd do as president is, is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. That's the first thing that I'd do."
But with my torches lit and pitchforks ready, I will watch closely, very closely as I peer through the misty, bated breath of the fawning mainstream media, as President Obama steps into the Oval office as leader of the free world. This is no time for on-the-job training and the American peoples' patience is short. We expect results, no excuses, and no learning curve. And even though I hear the drumbeat of the mainstream media admonishing me to "get on board with the program", I will stand side by side with the 47% of those of us who did not vote for Mr. Obama, and without abandoning my conservative principles and my faith in the founding documents of our land, I will be quick to praise the President when I can, but I will oppose him when I must.
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