Perserverance...that's what God's preparing me for.
It's amazing that when He speaks to us, he does so in such personal, creative, and obvious ways. A few weeks ago, my time with God was spent praying for complete healing from the cancer and protection for our baby while going through the treatments. Those prayers were answered by his still, small voice that reminded me that "Lo, I am the Lord that heals thee."
But as I stand at the threshold of entering a new phase of cancer treatment, I'm seeing more clearly that God does not want me to sit on the sidelines just waiting till I'm cured until I get back in the game. He's telling me to stay in the game and continue to serve him, relying on His strength in times of weakness.
A few weeks ago during church communion, as I'm praying over the elements, I felt His nudging, "Stay outward focused." Not an easy thing to do when you've just announced to the world that you're pregnant with cancer - it seems as if every conversation comes back around to the topic of my health. However, I was reminded that even Jesus, up until He took His last breath, was concerned about the lives of others, "Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" Luke 23:34.
God's word was confirmed yesterday by a friend of a friend who 26 years ago fought against breast cancer. Her message to me was to not set all my sights on healing, but to focus on where God has me in the process. And then today this verse leaped off the pages of my bible "Let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us". Hebrews 12:1.
Never in a million years would I have marked out this race for myself, but God in His sovereignty has marked it for me. I think back to my brief but memorable stint in Jr. High Track when the practice coach would lay out a running course for us complete with hurdles, cones and lane changes. The team would watch expectantly as he took great care in strategically placing each cone and hurdle precisely where he thought it would challenge us the most. He marked out our race. In the same way, God himself has laid out this course before me, strategically placing each marker - each hurdle, challenging me to push forward, and coaching me along the way. And I know that at the end of the race I will be rewarded with a prize that surpasses all earthly rewards.
James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
I am now in the position of choosing my response; will I run the race that God has lovingly marked before me or sit it out on the sidelines, standing idly-by while God's team marches down the field without me.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I received the pathology results from the surgeon, but it has filled me with more questions than answers. I'm discovering that identifying cancer is like peeling away the tough layers of an onion, each one revealing more questions than answers. No two cancers are identical which requires the doctors to insert a lot of speculation in their prognosis, and requires me to trust God more and more with my future treatment.
The surgery was easy compared to the recovery, but I suspect that that's the case with most surgeries. The lymph node dissection left my arm aching, sore and with shooting pains up and down the back of it where the nerves were cut - pleasant, right? I'm 37 years old and yet I can't brush or wash my hair, can't make my own meals, and must ask my 10 year old to write down my shopping list. That's humbling. But at least I can prop my arms up on my desk and type on Facebook - God is good.
The tumor itself was close to the surface which only means that the doctor didn't have to take as much of the surrounding tissue as she normally does. That's good for me, cosmetically. Four out of 7 lymph nodes tested positive for carcinoma, which really doesn't affect my subsequent treatment.
So, I have about 4 to 6 weeks to recover and then chemo treatments will start. I'm dreading this more than anything, mostly because I love, I mean I love my hair. I've never found myself to be exceptionally striking by any means, but I have always found my hair to be fun to style and healthy-looking (except for those 6 years in the mid-80's when it was scorched with spiral perms). So I will be mentally preparing myself over the next month for the loss of my hair and the loss of a part of me...feeling a bit like Samson.
I'm also learning to accept the help of others. I feel hugely blessed to be remembered by so many people, especially the friends from our church who are more like family than friends to us. They have provided meals, cleaning, laundry services, gifts, and most importantly prayers. They have helped Tim and I carry a burden that we could never carry alone.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. Ephesians 3:20
The surgery was easy compared to the recovery, but I suspect that that's the case with most surgeries. The lymph node dissection left my arm aching, sore and with shooting pains up and down the back of it where the nerves were cut - pleasant, right? I'm 37 years old and yet I can't brush or wash my hair, can't make my own meals, and must ask my 10 year old to write down my shopping list. That's humbling. But at least I can prop my arms up on my desk and type on Facebook - God is good.
The tumor itself was close to the surface which only means that the doctor didn't have to take as much of the surrounding tissue as she normally does. That's good for me, cosmetically. Four out of 7 lymph nodes tested positive for carcinoma, which really doesn't affect my subsequent treatment.
So, I have about 4 to 6 weeks to recover and then chemo treatments will start. I'm dreading this more than anything, mostly because I love, I mean I love my hair. I've never found myself to be exceptionally striking by any means, but I have always found my hair to be fun to style and healthy-looking (except for those 6 years in the mid-80's when it was scorched with spiral perms). So I will be mentally preparing myself over the next month for the loss of my hair and the loss of a part of me...feeling a bit like Samson.
I'm also learning to accept the help of others. I feel hugely blessed to be remembered by so many people, especially the friends from our church who are more like family than friends to us. They have provided meals, cleaning, laundry services, gifts, and most importantly prayers. They have helped Tim and I carry a burden that we could never carry alone.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. Ephesians 3:20
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Prayer Cover
So then, make a statement of your sins to one another, and say prayers for one another so that you may be made well. The prayer of a good man is full of power in its working James 5:16
I am relying on your prayers more than you can imagine. I know that God hears each one of them, as I sense His presence and feel His peace in ways that are new and exciting. Thank you.
As an update, I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy and ancillary lymphnode dissection on Wednesday (I don't know the time yet) at Magee Hospital. Since many of you asked specifically how you can pray for me this week, I've come up with a list to help guide you.
1) Pray for my husband. He has shouldered so much of my burden, and he continues to do it with such courage and wisdom.
2) Pray for my kids, especially on Wednesday when I'm in surgery. Ask God to calm their anxious hearts. Cast out all fears. Give them the confidence in their Mighty God to pray big and expectantly.
3) Pray for the 14 week old baby inside me. Keep him safe from the effects of anasthesia and keep him safe from harm before, during, and after the surgery.
4) Pray for the surgeons and technicians during the surgery. Guide their hands, and provide wisdom to their decision making.
5) Ultimately, I pray for complete physical healing, resting on His promises, "Lo I am the Lord who heals you". Pray that the tumor will be removed easily and the lymphnodes will reveal little, if any cancer.
6) Pray that I'll withstand the anasthesia well and not become too nauseaus. And that the lymphnode port will not become infected in the weeks ahead.
My prayer for Wednesday and the subsequent weeks is from Psalm 40:
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
May it be so.
I am relying on your prayers more than you can imagine. I know that God hears each one of them, as I sense His presence and feel His peace in ways that are new and exciting. Thank you.
As an update, I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy and ancillary lymphnode dissection on Wednesday (I don't know the time yet) at Magee Hospital. Since many of you asked specifically how you can pray for me this week, I've come up with a list to help guide you.
1) Pray for my husband. He has shouldered so much of my burden, and he continues to do it with such courage and wisdom.
2) Pray for my kids, especially on Wednesday when I'm in surgery. Ask God to calm their anxious hearts. Cast out all fears. Give them the confidence in their Mighty God to pray big and expectantly.
3) Pray for the 14 week old baby inside me. Keep him safe from the effects of anasthesia and keep him safe from harm before, during, and after the surgery.
4) Pray for the surgeons and technicians during the surgery. Guide their hands, and provide wisdom to their decision making.
5) Ultimately, I pray for complete physical healing, resting on His promises, "Lo I am the Lord who heals you". Pray that the tumor will be removed easily and the lymphnodes will reveal little, if any cancer.
6) Pray that I'll withstand the anasthesia well and not become too nauseaus. And that the lymphnode port will not become infected in the weeks ahead.
My prayer for Wednesday and the subsequent weeks is from Psalm 40:
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
May it be so.
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